Dating Behind Bars, Literally

           So your boyfriend has a past; a DUI, maybe a possession ticket and it all happened before he met you. The problem: he’s got a court date coming up and, well, chances are that he is going to do some time. You are going to work and your boyfriend’s going to jail. So where does that leave your relationship? It will go from conversations over a dinner to pricey and rushed conversations when he calls; from cuddling up on the couch to looking at each other through glass. Your relationship has completely changed. As lucky as he is to have you around, you may not be as lucky.

            I understand. First hand experience. He will call you when he wants and when he can afford the average 69 cents per minute. He will write letters and most likely expect you to write back. And you will be in the same position I am right now.

            Lockdown is at 11 o’clock at Jefferson County Jail. My phone is glued to me every night before that so I can answer when he calls to say goodnight. I was late to work once because I insisted to stop and mail a letter, so he could get it the next day, and then proceed to write me back. It is not healthy, yet you want to forgive his past and love him for who he really is, or at least convince your self that.

            A marriage has a 15% chance if one spouse is locked up for longer than a year, according to about.com. It is a larger ratio to dating. Let’s say you’re dating someone who is going to jail for five months. That would not leave a good chance for yours and his relationship. He isn’t going to go anywhere—the sergeant can assure you that. It is the option that you have on the outside of the walls. Not saying that you will want to cheat or find someone else, but the scene is different and people naturally move on. What he experiences while he’s in there is a matter too. He will hopefully want to never go back.

            Another important element to the relationship is the charge. If this was the first charge, it’s one thing. But if this was the second or third charge, it’s another story. Dating someone in jail will not only impact your personal relationship with him and yourself, but your family. Being there through his sentencing is different than him having to go back, meaning he didn’t learn the first time. I started dating someone who was about to face a charge for a DUI. He served his time before, getting his Huber work release to keep his mind and life somewhat in order. Then came his third, putting him in jail for the next six months, with no Huber. Our relationship was great, until that last real good-bye until July. And my family, well they tell me how unhealthy this dating can get, yet I find myself feeling differently.

            I’m a comical person. A couple weeks ago he was feeling sad. I sent him a picture of Christian Bale as a joke, saying, “This always makes me feel better.” He called me and asked me, “Are you trying to get me killed in here?” Of course I wasn’t. I thought it was funny, without really thinking about him opening that up in a county jail. But what would really kill him would be me breaking up with him. Six months is a long time to think and a long time to think about it. I read, in one of last week’s letter, that I made him feel like he wasn’t a lost cause. I’m flattered, but that doesn’t make it easy to write back, “I can’t be with you. Not right now.”

            And that’s the solution. In my opinion, relationships in jail are quite similar looking to the ones in the movies. However, it’s difficult to feel it when you’re watching it all on a screen. It’s not healthy and it is unnecessary to put a halt on your own life. It is your boyfriend doing the time, not your life and your relationships. Relationships are not to make you feel obligated, but to make you feel loved and cared about. A first time offense means he made a mistake. A second, third, or so forth means that he probably is not ready for a relationship—therefore probably does not care enough.

            That first visit is shocking and unreal and the ones to follow don’t get any easier. Just the other day, I bucked up. I care about him and told him I couldn’t do it, at least not right now while he’s away. He didn’t understand and that’s when I knew he cared less about how unhealthy the relationship was for me.

            I’ll remain as his friend because I think that’s what he needs. But let’s face it—as good looking of a guy that he is, he doesn’t look good in orange.